sound like you are during really great.. but for the grace of God. I will celebrate 16 years clean and sober next month, and would be glad to talk to you if need..first things first.. get yourself out of that situation.. i dont know what state you are in but i imagine they have battered women's shelters that can take you and your children (google this) also if you have someone to care for your kids you can go back in a treatment center (dont have to be usingto do this) at 3 yrs you are still a baby in your recovery so dont take chances with it .. this is a selfish program where if you dont take care of yourself you cant give back to others. i hope you have a sponsor (you are in the recovery process right?? attending meetings and the whole nine, networking and such) if not,call one of the hhere you are and have hotlines and find yourself a meeting.. Sounds like you not sharing with anyone in the program (hope i wrong) lots of people in recovery have been where you are and can share there experience strength and hope with you.